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Monday, February 18, 2013

Vlad - Carlos Fuentes


** spoiler alert ** Ok, this is going to be brutal… So fair warning. I hated this shit. It is the first novel I have EVER given 0 stars to.

1) This book is supposed to be a version of Dracula taking place in Mexico… I was super intrigued… I mean I read that dumb ass book where it was teeny boppers with cell phones retelling Dracula… How much worse could it get?

2) So much friggin worse!!! This novella was 112 pages long. ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE! The story didn’t even start until I was half way through the damn book.

3) I had to spend at least five pages on hearing about the MC and his sex life with his wife, including a rather nasty description of her vagina and their combined public hair YUCK

4) I had to spend another two pages hearing the MC drabble on and on about how once you are married and having sex with a woman you can no longer ask her if the sex was good because eventually she will get tired of hearing about it…. Blah blah blah blah how do you know if the sex was as good for her as it was for you? DRIVEL

5) Dracula was just… well nasty, every description of him was unpleasant and nothing like he is really supposed to look. I know this was supposed to be horror but nothing in this novel scared me, it just grossed me out. Apparently his ears are shaped like bat wings and he cuts them off every day….And wears fake hair….

6) The ending was seriously rushed. Everything wrapped up in the last maybe five or ten pages and made no sense.

7) The author called bats BLIND RATS for this statement alone I dropped the rating. They are not blind and they are not anything like rats. Do some fucking research you ass hole.

8) Uh…. Good point- The writing style was good… The author is a fairly good writer, the characters, storyline and conflict all sucked.

9) I couldn’t connect with ANY of the characters. AT.ALL. They didn’t inspire love, hate, sympathy… Nothing. Half the time I was just like, “Is this fucking over yet?”

10) And here is the big kicker and the huge SPOILER ALERT There is a scene where the MC’s daughter is playing in the back yard with a child vampire and they lift up their dresses and put live squirrels down the front of their panties!!!!! WTF. I couldn’t even figure out how this was relevant to the story. Then the man servant comes out and starts sucking the nipples of the child vampire and the MC stands there sickened but doing NOTHING. My mind can barely wrap around the images this book gave me. They were disturbing and only thrown in for an ick surprise factor and nothing else.

Do not read this book. In fact boycott its very existence. I will be putting this piece of trash up for sale on amazon asap. And it’s a Dracula novel… I usually keep them, even when they are bad… But this one… no way.

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