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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Velveteen- Daniel Marks


** spoiler alert ** Bwwaaahhhhaa *rubshandstogetheringlee*

I have been waiting over a month to write a review of this festering turd of a novel. Yeah I said it F E S T E R I N G T U R D

This book gave me such high hopes, it was SUPPOSED to be about a bitchy angry teenage ghost taking revenge on the horrible serial killer who murdered her.

What it was really about was a bunch of slutty whiny angsty ghost children/teens that have SPESHUL magical abilities that make them kick butt in purgatory, part of the crew who figures out how to stop a revolution and shadow quakes, in said purgatory.

It took me almost a month to read this simply because I couldn’t care less about any of the characters. So let’s start there:

Velveteen- a bitch ok… not bad and angry bitch…. better…. And angry bitch who falls instantly in love with some boy who follows her around like a puppy and might cause her big secret to revealed. WHAT? Huh….. no.

Nick- all around nice guy, not much depth just a sweet heart who basically allows Velvet to abuse him and then stalks her.

Luisa/Logan- twins who are like 12 and apparently kick hard core ass…Neh, not horrible I just didn’t really care for them.

Manny- A dead Hollywood platinum blonde seductive actress who is their boss, basically. I will give you one guess who she is, and only one. She also has some deep dark secrets that at the end made me realize this is going to be a series and I am not coming long for the ride.

Bonesaw- best character of the book, not really fleshed out, but a true serial killer. This book would have been GREAT if it actually had focused on him and Velvet and the revenge the book cover promised.

Mr. Fassbinder- the big baddie of the story, who does… wait for it…. ORAGAMI and it was very obvious, btw that he was a bad guy and that Fassbinder wasn’t his real name.

There were some other characters, namely bitchy vapid slutty alpha females only created to try and make Velvet’s life horrible and try and steal her boyfriend yes a MAN wrote this book, seriously, right?

I could never quite understand why Purgatory was just filled to the brim with teenagers and why they all seemed to have special magical abilities that made them be the prime fighters of evil.

The action scenes felt rushed and entirely too put together. The part where they rescue Nick from the old evil ghost seemed to take no time at all and it ended well and nicely sewn up. Then they were mean to Nick cause he wanted to grieve, you know cause he just found out he was dead and all. But no, that would be weak.

I couldn’t really figure out what Nick saw in Velvet, I guess she was hot, all covered in ash to tamp out her spirit glow, but she was also mean to him. Maybe this is what guys like?

The book spent more time on how everything in purgatory worked then it did moving the plot line forward and tons on ghost politics and smooching insta-love yuckies then on moving the plot forward too.

Then finally came what I had been waiting for, Velvet to take her revenge on Bonesaw and rescue his current victim. What a FUCKING waste. It was the fastest part in the whole book, rushed and seemingly thrown together without care or thought. And even better, Velvet doesn’t actually do the killing, Nick does. Like the author went, “oh shit! I should probably wrap this plot line up before moving on.” to things that were stupid

The ending was rushed, everything wound up being solved, pretty much and was tied up with a friggin bow and ended with a snarky thought from Velvet as Nick kissed her. I could have cared less if they all damn well DIED you know… again.

So some good points

The descriptions were pretty good, I enjoyed the new way purgatory and the afterlife was portrayed kind of like a slum mixture of all types of cultures crammed together in a 1850’s kind of way.

The parts with Velvet and Bonesaw were actually very good and I wanted more of them.

I laughed…. A lot

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